Yesterday was a realization to me, maybe not one I am ready to share with the world but one I have to share with my journal for myself, something I have to begin thinking about. Most of the time I don’t know if what I’m feeling is true to myself the true way I feel or if it’s just a face I’ve learned to put on to protect others and help them out of their situations.
Yesterday I had to give my Dog to my mom just to protect it from my BF..I never ever would have seen myself being with someone who went to that level. My boyfriend is a complicated man, and I do love him very much but he can be a truly frightening beast when he loses himself... and I had to play it cool and lie for everyone just to make it seem okay but as soon as the boyfriend was gone it’s when it hit me how much it hurt I convinced myself it was okay just to make anything feel better to stop a fight to not have to tell my mom the full truth... whatever but it doesn’t stop there I’m always pretending, pretending to be happy and hopeful so that my mom stays happy and hopeful in her time of great fear, pushing my sister away when I want to be here for her but know others would be upset that I did... lying to my roommate about how much I hate her drinking just to make sure she feels happy lying to everyone about how I feel about everyone worrying none stop for everyone’s safety while simply smiling and saying everything’s okay. I’ve been doing this for God knows how long just to keep others happy..To protect others, pretending to be the cool guy not affected by his sexual assaults, not admitting to how they made me feel like a lesser person like an easier target.. hiding how much I had to take on at 18 because my mom was breaking down after years and years of struggle, hiding my Moms suicide attempt.. Never knowing how I felt about my Dad as an adult because I was always faking for someone how I was actually feeling I don’t even know what I feel for him bedsides anger but if
I felt saddeness would I let everyone down?! I don’t know because I’ve been doing it so long that I’ve convinced myself that I’m okay and I’m happy but is this just an act even I’ve fallen for? Am I breaking right now or am I just going through a hard time? What if I want to be mad at someone or hurt or cry how would everyone react would I ruin everyone’s lives?! Why do I have to be the one who’s “okay” why do I convince myself I’m always “okay” where are the feelings go when I’m lying about being okay... does it work is it over or am I storing them in some kind of fucked up emotional closet in my mind?!
Everyone I know has serious issues I mean they’re crazy people but I do love them and am I wrong for loving fucked up crazy people am I keeping secrets to protect them or so that I don’t have to admit I care for these crazy crazy people?? I don’t know.. I don’t have any answers not even any fake ones.
It’s time to work on my four agreements SERIOUSLY now..
I still feel like Im more trapped in myself then usual, focused on my phone or obsessing over one thought or idea over and over... I did have my doctor lower my OCD medication a week ago and Im hoping it's just taking some time to adjust. Im sure it is what it is, Im not going to freak out yet... I also feel like Im extremely bored without Drue here all the time, I mean I've got Otto but I think it's me realizing that being 30 doesnt mean I still cant go make new close friendships as well.. Ive been very comfortable with my group for a long time, and have said it's all I need but lately I feel as if I need more. I need another friend, for the times Im in a chatty mood but Otto's busy and Drue's at work. I'm missing out on life again and it's making me feel like a weirdo yet as mentioned I still can't stop focusing on but a few ideas most of the day.. Im really glad I've decided to write today at least it's something different than what I've been doing which is also pretty much nothing.. I think I'll start reading again too, it's something to do besides hangout on that mind control device we call cellphones.. I swear how do apps become so addictive to everyone so quickly, mind control ya'll... Lol. Anyway so yeah it has just been the realization that I need to spice up my life.. Which Ive been saying for a long time I need to get out and do shit. Admittedly this has been a hard month; I ran out of money weeks ago which is not the typical so without money it's also hard to do anything.. I spent most my money at the Gem and Mineral show and don't regret a moment of it, lol.. But it does make it hard to do much else. I did go see "Love, Simon" with Drue and Otto which I wasn't loving mostly I think because i was trying so hard to focus on how like or unlike it was from the book "Simon vs. the homosapien agenda" So I want to try rewatching it and trying not to do that as hard because surpisingly Drue and Otto really liked it... So i'd like to try again and hope for better results.. I am meeting my New Years resolution so far which was to see more movies in the theater. :) Im glad Im at least sticking to some stuff.. Actually Ive been dropping a lot of weight well that was before I bought a shit ton of candy the other day.. Eeee Im scared to check the scale. Lol. Anyway Im gonna go Im glad I caught myself up <3 Love you
Today is baking day. I didn't get much done yesterday, though we did get pecans cracked and roasted with some cinnamon yesterday. I had the boyfriend and my sister help because DAAAMN I hate cracking those things.. Today I'll be making some fudge and a couple of other things.. Nothing over the top, just typical Holiday sweets.. My family got together Wednesday and decorated cookies which is a family tradition going back as long as I can remember, can't really imagine us stopping that. So I'll throw some of those on the table as well... We kind of stick to the same things around Christmas, maybe adding in a new treat or two every few years.. My brother learned how to make cheesecake cake pops so he's bringing those over. I think I'll just make fudge and magic cookie bars this year... Sometimes I'm down to make pie or whatever but I just don't have an interest in doing some this year..... I'm a pretty good cook, but baking isn't really my thing so I usually leave all of that for about once a year.. Lol. So besides getting the treats ready I really just need to clean house, get a new poinsettia as mine has officially kicked the bucket after a little over a week, little fucker..
Anyway that's enough about The Holiday as I'm sure you can tell I'm pretty stoked about it... Im still getting used to taking charge and hosting it here, but I love it I really do.
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I can't believe it's already Thursday, the holiday is right around the corner. I've still got some baking to do, possibly a present or two to pick up but other than that I'm pretty ready for it.. I've had my tree up for awhile, I've done a little decorating, I've got a nice winter scented wax melt and some candles to put on. Needless to say I'm pretty excited.. Feeling kinda cruddy today, but I'm sure that will pass. No need to let that get in the way of my Holiday spirit. I've been trying to think of something else to call it as I don't know if I actually find Christmas to be the right thing for me and my family.. I mean no harm or harshness to anyone who does, I'm a spiritual person, and my mom looks at Jesus as her savior, but I there are many reasons it just doesn't fit this bible. None of us are comfortable with religion, or what time has turned Christmas into... But we enjoy the Holiday, I think that "The Holiday" feels fitting for now, but I'd like to find something else. I won't get into all of that though.. Point is I'm excited for things, a little tired, feeling like I might have a small cold but I plan to ignore that and focus on having a good rest of the week into next week...
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There’s also the not so typical feelings people experience after death and those are the ones I feel most intensely.. I couldn’t say this out loud.. not to my heat broken family, but more than anything I’m mad… I’m not nearly as sad as I am enraged… How dare this man hurt me all the way to his death bed? How dare this man treat me and my family the way he did. How dare this man kill himself with drugs and EXPECT a funeral filled with joyous memories of a man who was nothing more than shit on the bottom of my shoe? When I found him on the floor Monday morning covered in his own filth with a possible broken arm he asked me to just leave him there. I couldn’t, how could anyone just turn their back on that? So I called the ambulance…At the hospital Monday night his last coherent words were spoken to me with a look of disgust and anger “you betrayed me” he said… I felt I had no choice.. I found him in such a miserable place knowing he was near death how could I just leave him like that? He deserved comfort, yet somehow he still found a way to put me down, to take me down and hurt me one last time… I tried my best to ignore him, and to smile at him and say “I love you” but how could I love him? His goal was always to hit me or to hurt those I love and care about… and now here I am, with a dead father, and angry feelings.. What am I supposed to do from here? I see my siblings crying, I see Facebook statuses about what a great man he was even if it was a long time ago… I see all these people celebrating him, but I can’t I don’t know how I don’t think he deserves celebration, I don’t think the world “lost a good one” I think the world is a better place without him and I feel like such a piece of shit for feeling this way, I feel no better than him, when my only goal in life was to be a man who was better than him..
My heart is broken and I’m lost and confused.. I’m not sure why I wrote this or what I hoped to get from it.. I just needed to let these feelings out in a time when I one wants to talk about that they only want to talk about the good.. well what about me? I don’t want to be selfish but don’t I get to talk about my heartbreak too?
January started out pretty normal but by early February things were a fucking mess... It started with my boyfriend Grandma being diagnosed with cancer and a prognosis that wasn't good.. Days after her diagnosis and a couple of tries at chemo Betsy was hospitalized, days later her daughters are rummaging house, claiming things and referring to everything as "assets" no longer were they "Betsy's belongings" when the boyfriend and I tried to call them out on their sickening selfish behavior things got worse.. We woke up early one morning to the cops at our door, her youngest daughter had a plan to get us removed from the property... The cops of course told her that there was absolutely nothing that could be done and they had no legal right or reason to kick us out... By the end of that day the cops were called several more times always resulting in the same thing the cops telling her she had no right to kick us out of our home, but at that point we new she was going to do everything she could to make us feel as unsafe and uncomfortable at home as possible. So by that night we made our choice; we were going to leave. We packed up the car with our most important items and took off.. For the next month we lived on a couch in my sisters living room, as his aunt continued to do everything she could to make our life a living hell. She spread rumors and lies like wild fire, which lead to a call from The boyfriends grandma who at the time was living in a hospice home... She told us all locks to the house has been changed, she worried that we had been lying to her. Of course this wasn't true but it was too late her mind had been poisoned.. There was no use fighting her anymore, we were too busy trying to gather money and dealing with rejection from apartment complex to apartment complex. By mid March we had finally found a place, a little more expensive than we hoped but we needed to take what we could, so of course we did.
By early April we got the phone call, Betsy had become disoriented and died hours later in her sleep.
We were heartbroken and to make matters worse his aunt made damn sure that we wouldn't be attending any services.
Days later I found out that a very close friend from my pat had committed suicide just days after an accidental reunion between the two of us.
That was if,
Shit hit the fan...the boyfriend was finding it harder and harder to control his emotions, I was finding it harder and harder to get out of bed but easier and easier to just lay around and stuff my face.. It was no time before I realized what the depression was doing to me, when I stepped on the scale and saw that in a matter of months I had put one forty five mother fucking pounds...
That's when I swore that I'd do whatever it takes to make the second part of this year worth while. This morning I finally forced myself to see a psychiatrist for my depression, anxiety, ocd, and paranoia.. I've been afraid of medication for so many years but a part of me felt like this was my last hope.
It was one tiny step but it felt much bigger than that it felt like shift and I really hope to see this follow through I really don't think we can take much more.. And for me the depression and weight gain has been enough.. I can't do this, this isn't who I am, this isn't how I live and I won't let this shit change me.. Yeah it's been tough but I don't get to just give up.
I'm not sure this has made much sense to those outside of the situation but I needed to get it off my chest.. It's been heartbreaking and traumatizing, it's been difficult at it's best.. but we refuse to give up, we refuse to be abused. We will make it somehow
I just needed to get this off my chest.
On top of Therapy I recently started some medications. I'm now taking Paxil for anxiety and OCD. Right now I'm still at the point where the pills are making me feel kinda icky, and I myself am not noticing the positive effects of them, but Otto is repeatedly telling me how much more alert and involved I have been acting.. I find this news to be exciting seeing as I still feel like total shit (as the doctor said I may for a few days) but this makes me feel very hopeful for how it may help as I myself start to feel better and notice the differences too. She also prescribed me something called Hydroxyzine for my panic attacks, which I have given up after one use. It was the only pill that I have ever taken for a panic attacks that made me feel ABSOLUTELY 100% worse after taking. I took the pill and shortly after I couldn't really move I felt so tired, my body felt super weak, but my heart was racing.. For an entire day all I could manage to do was lay around, and by early evening I forced myself to take a shower. Standing up was hard, I felt totally defeated and wanted to lay back down but I went to the shower feeling super weak.. I felt very dizzy was seeing "stars" so by the end of my shower all I wanted to do was go back to bed.. so yeah anyway that was the end of that pill.. That shit freaked me out worse than the panic attack i took it for. lol.
Ive been getting a full nights rest which is FUCKING AMAZING I really can't say when the last time I was able to do that was, probably back when I was a teenager... I still feel really sleepy throughout the day but that can be an early side effect of the paxil, so I'm hoping as that passes I will be able to wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day which would be absolutely amazing. It's time for me to finally be excited about life instead of just letting it pass me by day by day.
The boyfriend has been on Paxil for a little over two months and I have noticed a total change in the man, and am really hoping for a somewhat similar result from myself. I dont want to live the rest of my life worried and in panic all of the time. I don't want to feel defeated by all the small things, I'm sick of being controlled by my OCD, I'm done with the way I've been feeling and super stoked for my journey as a new man.