Oy, here I am again updating while sad.

It seems like I've been doing alot of thinking the last couple of days..Thinking of my life, && what a fail it's been so far..I havent done much to improve on who I am since I was 18 years old.. My confidence is better, but even that needs improving. ha. I just wish that I had something to account for. Something to be proud of, and at this point in time I've got nothing, I've got nothing to say I've made it, anywhere.

I know the steps I need to take, and right here and now I am declaring to take them.

One thing I really need to do is get out more, I've nearly become a shut in..I'm always home, I'm always surrounded with the same people, doing the same things.. I want, noo no, scratch that I need new friends. I need more people around who make me happy..People whom I go out with, have fun..Do different shit then just party..Problem is I've totally forgotten how to make friends. I don't know where to start.

I've attempted to use Myspace, but even that's been a fail.
Lately I've been excellent at failing.
However, I will figure it out because I'm determained to get myself out of this rut.. I'm determained to make something out of myself. to make new friends, to grow the fuck up and be someone I'm proud of, to find a boyfriend, a mature one, something real this time.
I'm determained to make this year the best year of my life.
Starting tomorrow, not next week, not next month.
I have to start now.

On August 14, 2010 I will be able to say that I had the best year everr.
:]
Wish me luck

Aside from my family being insane and my mom diving into a downward spiral filled with pills pills wine and wine
life is good...Ive become close with Ash and that friendship is amazing..Library is closing so I will update you later

Hm, I have had this thing long enough I think it's way beyond time to finally take a moment to post in here... I contemplated making this a friends only journal but I thought what the fuck, I'll give it a chance for once and see how it goes having an open journal. =] Time to try somthing new I guess. lol. 

Anyway, it's late and I think it's the absolute worst time I could take to post, but I've got spare time, and I'm not really tired so I'll go ahead and try anyway.. 

Life has been different recently I kinda feel like I'm losing myself.. I've lost alot in the past few months. I lost alot of friends, I lost my job, I lost the confidence I had in myself.. However over the past two weeks I've been working to get my life back, to find what I had lost pick up the pieces and build a new happier me. So far things seem to be looking up. Haha. A few months ago I had hooked up with my friend Gabby's brother after crushing on him for several months... it was quite splended, just the way I had pictured it, maybe even better.. Our tongues were locked to one another for what felt like hours and that was that.. For the first time in almost two years I felt myself actually liking someone, actually pictuing myself happily dating someone.. :] So we started talking, things went fine until one day Gabby opens her drunk lips and tongues away the vodka stained there moments earlier " Joel, I don't think Chris likes you " Were the words spilled from her mouth.. I was shocked, and I guess hurt.. I didnt wanna be hurt, I didnt wanna care but truth was I did. =/ So I let those drunk words hit me, and with that simple 'Joel, I don't think Chris likes you.' I gave up.. I stopped texting him I stopped hitting him up on myspace and just let it go.. It only took a little over a week to be over it.. I lived life, lost my job, lost some of my closest friends, fell to the place where I just couldnt stand life.. && then I met Dustin, we spend hours each night texting each other all our thoughts and feelings, and soon here I was again finally finding someone I wanted to be with.. We continue growing closer, day after day I feel such a liking for him,... and then a boy named Marshell decideds to fill me in on his attraction to me.. Seeing as how I'm not actually dating Dustin I go for it.. He's cute, he's fun, he's romantic.. Nice guy, just not Dustin, and I can't find myself feeling anything for him.. I guess that was it for me, I knew at that moment that I wanted to ask Dustin to take it to the next level with me.. Take what was once our peachy little dating game to a full blown relationship.. I pick the day, and time I wanna tell him.. && then just hours before my designated date my AIM dings and a very familiar screen name pops up on the screen. It's Chris..Some how that small " Hey Joel, long time no talk. " turned into a somthing like four hour conversation..I had got lost in chris and totally forgot Dustin that night..Well there it was.. First a sign saying go for it Joel, this is what you want.. You wanna be with Dustin, and then as if to make my life confusing in pops Chris making me rethink my plans. & that's where I am now.. Who do I want? Do I want Dustin, do I want Chris? It's so clear to me now that he's interested that Chris does want me and Gabby was bullshit.. but now the question is, do I still want Chris.. Well, maybe that's not the question because I know my answer yes, yes I want Chris.. but yes, yes I want Dustin.. oyyy

I think tomorrow will be it... Tomorrow will give me the answers I am looking for. 
I have plans with Chris & Gabby.. 
It'll be the first time I've seen Chris in months.
We know we're connecting over text wonderfully
but can we connect that way in person again?
tomorrow will tell me

It's sad, because I know I want Chris.. I know I want things to go wonderfully.

but as I said, I want Dustin too.. 


Two weeks ago I had lost everything.. Felt miserable and alone, and now my biggest drama is which boy to choose.. 
Hahaha.. That's not so bad :] 

Anyway in other news...

dsfgjfg My sisters friend Angy cut my hair today and it looks absolutly awrful. 
I can't stand it! It's seriously disgusting. 

yeah, that's all for now [x]